Parenting

Families can not only include a married couple but it can also include children.  Having and raising can be very rewarding as well as can be challenging at times. Sometimes we wonder why should we be parents in the first place because of all the work that goes into each child that is born.  In my family relations class this passed week we discussed why parenting is a good thing...

Why parenting?                                                                             Who benefits?

-Prepares children for life                                                                   -Children

-Practice good attributes such as forgiveness and love                        -Parents

-Bonding and define the family                                                           -Both

-Creates humanity (our relationships make us who we are)                 -Both

-Parenting styles affect a child's development positively or negatively   -Children's development and society

As discussed in the last bullet that there are different parenting styles.  These styles are Authoritarian, Permissive and Authoritative.  

*Authoritarian= "my way or the high way", the parents don't listen to the child, they degrade their children, have a mother/father knows best attitude.

*Permissive= very easy going, wanting to be the child's friend rather than a parent, loose boundaries.

*Authoritative= listens and then corrects the situation or problem, clear boundaries, authority is in the home but not dominating, a healthy balance of authoritarian and permissive parenting styles.

Authoritative is the better parenting style out of the three.  It allows for the children to grow up in a loving room as well as learn a lot of hard but valuable lessons.  A permissive parenting style is not beneficial to a child as he or she gets older and lives out on their own.  Since they have been given everything throughout their lives they will continue to expect everything handed to them without putting any work into it.  They will have a hard time when they realize that the world is not going to give them everything they want.  In the authoritarian parenting style a child's relationships with their parents therefore causing them to be fearful and not trusting in their future relationships.  There is also much more of a possibility of sexual, physical or verbal abuse to occur.

We learn a lot about ourselves during parenting.  We have the opportunity to learn through parenting as much as a child learns from birth to age 18.  

Work and Families

Balancing work and a family can be a very challenging task.   Work is an important part of our lives but sometimes its hard to remember the reason why we started working the first place.  For many it is because they want and need to support their own families in everyday living, education and much more.  Often times what can happen is that families and work are viewed as 2 separate things divided into her kids and his work, when they should be one.  Another common situation that can occur is that spouses don't have a lot of time to spend together.  When a couple gets married they should spend even more time together than when they were dating.  That process of courtship should start in the dating process and never stop no matter how many years the relationship goes on for.  If there isn't enough time spent with the family and spouse or there is financial struggles contention and tension is created naturally.

So how do we solve or avoid these issues?  One thing we can all do in our relationships is exercise communication and discuss within your marriage how to do things.  Decide what the marriage/family needs, values and what things can be traded.  As long as there is clear communication and understanding a healthy balance between work and family can be established.

Communication is Everything

Last week we learned about communication and how important it is in relationships.  In my opinion communication is more than just words and is essential to have if wanting happy and successful relationships. 

Communication can be both verbal and non-verbal.  On the verbal side we communicate with our words and the tone we use when we talk to others.  On the non-verbal side communication happens a lot with our body language.  These things are important because it helps us to prepare so that we can "communicate so clearly that you are understood and so clearly that you are not misunderstood".  One of the greatest causes to divorce and broken relationships is because their wasn't good communication.  In class my teacher pointed out that when he is a marriage and family therapist the most common reason why more woman are initiating divorce is because they feel like the husband doesn't love them any more.  He continued and said that often times the husband is very surprised to hear this because he does love her.  In these instances the problem could have been resolved had both the husband and the wife needed communicated clearly to each other.

I realize that communicating is sometimes easier said than done but there are things we can keep in mind that will help us have clear communication...

- We can ask for clarification by saying "so you are trying to say..." or another example could be "i'm not sure what you mean can you explain your thoughts further?".

-Be patient and don't interrupt the other person.

-Don't be judgmental but try to be understanding.

-Don't beat around the bush.  

-Focus on one concern at a time.

-Learn how the other person communicates 

-Communicate always not just when there is a fight or argument going on

-Try to communicate love everyday

-Let the other person be right, its ok for you to be wrong about something.

Our relationships need communication to survive because without it we won't be able to solve problems and conflict as well as understand the other person's point of view better.

How to Handle Family Stress

Stress. It is one of those things in life that no one wants to deal with but it is something we have to deal with.  Stress is change likely to be required, even if only temporary.  To someone who doesn't like change, such as myself, stress can be one most challenging things to face and overcome.  But just because something is hard does not mean it is impossible.  We can all do hard things!
In our class's discussion this week we looked at the different stressors in families.  In my opinion part of the reason why humans stress so much has to do with our attitude towards the situation.  A common cause of stress is that people get fixed on the danger of a stressor and therefore can not think clearly.  The Chinese write the word crisis like this...


The Chinese see that when crisis's come there can either be danger or an opportunity to grow and learn from the experience.  Even though these stressor's  in our lives are very and feel unbearable they can actually help us grow and be become better individuals and create closer relationships.

For some of you who have read my blog before you probably noticed that in this family relations class we like to use models and diagrams to make a point.  Well get ready because here comes another one...

A= actual event
B= both responses
C= cognition's
---------------------
eXperience

With this diagram we learn that every family has a different experience even if they are going through the same stressor.  Depending on the event, how we respond and how we think about the situation determines the overall experience we have.  Having a good attitude with a hard situation will help us learn and be able to use our new knowledge for future struggles.  It will also bring us more confidence in future trials because we have been through hard times before.

Lets talk about Marital Intimacy

So this past week my family relations class talked on the topic of marital intimacy.  In my opinion I think that the differences between a man and a woman during sexual intimacy lead to benefits.  First let's start by going through some of the differences.  There are 4 phases of sex: Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm/Climax and a Refractory phase.  Men tend to reach the phase of excitement before woman, during the plateau phase it is a much smaller amount of time than a woman needs, followed by a faster climax period and a longer refractory phase.  It was proven that a men's sexual desire peaks at the age of 18 and a woman's sexual desire peaks at the age of 30.  Pretty big difference but it is important to understand what your spouse is going through to avoid any awkwardness, miscommunication or having one's expectations not being achieved.
Another way in which a man and woman differ in sex was explained to our class by our teacher using a circle diagram...

	This diagram explains that for a woman to have sex she needs to feel safe, close and connected to the other person and a man needs to have sex in order for him to feel those things.   Now how can these differences be a benefit?  Recognizing and understanding the differences helps make sure all the needs are met.  As the cycle above gets more momentum it covers all the areas.  This causes for us to focus on other person rather than focusing on our selves.  These differences need work and a couple will sometimes struggle together.  A lot of the time in a variety of situations we tend to find ourselves saying "why can't this be easy".  We can't forget that the easy things are not worth it but it is those hard things that are.  Hard times make us grow and become a better version of ourselves.  Another way where these differences can be a benefit is because trust must be built.  A couple also learns to make sacrifices for each other.

Weddings and Marriage

Hey everyone so this past week I learned some really interesting things about the wedding preparation stage and the early years in marriage.  In terms of wedding planning we discussed how important it is to have both the bride and the groom involved.  Even if the groom is willing to have his fiancee plan everything because he wants her to have anything she wants in the wedding.  The engagement/wedding process can help us learn skills that are very valuable throughout the marriage.   A marriage is about working together as a team and compromising therefore both the groom and the bride should make decisions together
Critical Tasks for Marriage:                                    Great Wedding:
-Clear boundaries ------>                                   -Groom and bride make decisions together
-Budgeting resources--------->                           -A wedding is a practice round for future financial                                          
                                                                           decisions.Weddings don't have to be crazy expensive.                    
                                                                          Work with a budget that is reasonable for both bride and
                                                                           groom.
-Open Communication-------->                         -Talk about wedding plans openly
-Making important decisions------>                    -Self explanatory.  Exercise communication and problem
                                                                          solving skills.
-Establishing good relationships in family---->     -"Your not just marrying each other your marrying their
                                                                          families".  A wedding is an opportunity for both families to
                                                                         get to know each other more and work together in certain
                                                                          tasks.  Try to work with and include both sides of the
                                                               family equally therefore setting up good relationships for the future.

In class last week we also discussed some issues that arise in the earlier years in marriage.  Specifically we talked about how in many cases couples wonder why their marriage decreases as children are born?  This doesn't necessarily happen to everyone but in many cases it does occur.  Those who are effected negatively often think "Aren't children suppose to make us happier and bring our marriage closer?".  Children certainly can enrich our families lives as well as bring the marriage closer but not without effort of course.

This sad situation may occur because there is a lot of attention on the child, couples may go on less or no dates, sometimes the mother doesn't present opportunities for the father to be a parent, men perceive that after children are born the wife disagrees with the husband more.  There are also the possibilities that men think the wife always knows a lot more than he does about parenting so he stays out of the situations and there also can be less communication and more assumptions being made.

These things can be avoided as long as both husband and wife are aware and understanding of one another.  For example even if a mom does know more about parenting it is essential to have equal and many opportunities to involve the father and make decisions together as a couple.  It is also important to recognize and express love and appreciation to the things each spouse does.  Couples should go on dates and still continue courtship all throughout marriage.  Alone time is essential for the parents marriage.  Don't be afraid to show your affection for each other in front of your kids.  It not only benefits your marriage but it also teaches them why closeness and expression is so important.

Yes a wedding and marriage are defiantly not easy but as long as both man and woman are committed and continue to express love for each other (even through hard times) and they communicate well anything is possible.

Dating

I really enjoyed talking about dating this week in my family relations class.  I was able to apply the things I learned to my own life.

First, one of the things that was brought up by my teacher is that we tend to use the word "dating" in the wrong situations.  When someone says "we're dating" we naturally think they are boyfriend ans girlfriend.  I was surprised to discover that the word dating is defined as doing a variety of activities with a variety of different people not necessarily being in a relationship with someone.  In class we discussed how there are four basic steps in relationships...

1.) Dating

2.) Courtship 

3.) Engagement

4.) Marriage

Each of these four steps take a lot of time and energy and should not be rushed into or skipped over.  Many times, especially in a place such as BYU-Idaho, couples will slide through these steps because of a lack of communication.  Sliding sometimes leads to a successful relationship/marriage but taking time during each phase leads a couple more in the direction of a successful marriage.  Couples who take their time are also more prepared for marriage because they have taken the time to know each other and to see how he or she reacts to certain situations therefore leading to less surprises in marriage.  

Something else I found to be very interesting is called the Relationship. Attachment. Model from the book How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk. This book talks about how there are 5 pillars in every relationship: Knowing someone, Trusting them, Relying on them, Commitment and the Touch.  According to the book a healthy relationship should start with knowing each other and follow in this particular order in a gradual motion.  If someone goes out of the order it could cause one to think that the other categories went up as well.  For example if a couple starts holding hands and kissing right away the individual may think they really know a person when in reality they don't.  They are blinded by the good feelings they are experiencing from physical touch and don't recognize the mistake until he or she gets their heart broken.