How to Handle Family Stress

Stress. It is one of those things in life that no one wants to deal with but it is something we have to deal with.  Stress is change likely to be required, even if only temporary.  To someone who doesn't like change, such as myself, stress can be one most challenging things to face and overcome.  But just because something is hard does not mean it is impossible.  We can all do hard things!
In our class's discussion this week we looked at the different stressors in families.  In my opinion part of the reason why humans stress so much has to do with our attitude towards the situation.  A common cause of stress is that people get fixed on the danger of a stressor and therefore can not think clearly.  The Chinese write the word crisis like this...


The Chinese see that when crisis's come there can either be danger or an opportunity to grow and learn from the experience.  Even though these stressor's  in our lives are very and feel unbearable they can actually help us grow and be become better individuals and create closer relationships.

For some of you who have read my blog before you probably noticed that in this family relations class we like to use models and diagrams to make a point.  Well get ready because here comes another one...

A= actual event
B= both responses
C= cognition's
---------------------
eXperience

With this diagram we learn that every family has a different experience even if they are going through the same stressor.  Depending on the event, how we respond and how we think about the situation determines the overall experience we have.  Having a good attitude with a hard situation will help us learn and be able to use our new knowledge for future struggles.  It will also bring us more confidence in future trials because we have been through hard times before.

Lets talk about Marital Intimacy

So this past week my family relations class talked on the topic of marital intimacy.  In my opinion I think that the differences between a man and a woman during sexual intimacy lead to benefits.  First let's start by going through some of the differences.  There are 4 phases of sex: Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm/Climax and a Refractory phase.  Men tend to reach the phase of excitement before woman, during the plateau phase it is a much smaller amount of time than a woman needs, followed by a faster climax period and a longer refractory phase.  It was proven that a men's sexual desire peaks at the age of 18 and a woman's sexual desire peaks at the age of 30.  Pretty big difference but it is important to understand what your spouse is going through to avoid any awkwardness, miscommunication or having one's expectations not being achieved.
Another way in which a man and woman differ in sex was explained to our class by our teacher using a circle diagram...

	This diagram explains that for a woman to have sex she needs to feel safe, close and connected to the other person and a man needs to have sex in order for him to feel those things.   Now how can these differences be a benefit?  Recognizing and understanding the differences helps make sure all the needs are met.  As the cycle above gets more momentum it covers all the areas.  This causes for us to focus on other person rather than focusing on our selves.  These differences need work and a couple will sometimes struggle together.  A lot of the time in a variety of situations we tend to find ourselves saying "why can't this be easy".  We can't forget that the easy things are not worth it but it is those hard things that are.  Hard times make us grow and become a better version of ourselves.  Another way where these differences can be a benefit is because trust must be built.  A couple also learns to make sacrifices for each other.

Weddings and Marriage

Hey everyone so this past week I learned some really interesting things about the wedding preparation stage and the early years in marriage.  In terms of wedding planning we discussed how important it is to have both the bride and the groom involved.  Even if the groom is willing to have his fiancee plan everything because he wants her to have anything she wants in the wedding.  The engagement/wedding process can help us learn skills that are very valuable throughout the marriage.   A marriage is about working together as a team and compromising therefore both the groom and the bride should make decisions together
Critical Tasks for Marriage:                                    Great Wedding:
-Clear boundaries ------>                                   -Groom and bride make decisions together
-Budgeting resources--------->                           -A wedding is a practice round for future financial                                          
                                                                           decisions.Weddings don't have to be crazy expensive.                    
                                                                          Work with a budget that is reasonable for both bride and
                                                                           groom.
-Open Communication-------->                         -Talk about wedding plans openly
-Making important decisions------>                    -Self explanatory.  Exercise communication and problem
                                                                          solving skills.
-Establishing good relationships in family---->     -"Your not just marrying each other your marrying their
                                                                          families".  A wedding is an opportunity for both families to
                                                                         get to know each other more and work together in certain
                                                                          tasks.  Try to work with and include both sides of the
                                                               family equally therefore setting up good relationships for the future.

In class last week we also discussed some issues that arise in the earlier years in marriage.  Specifically we talked about how in many cases couples wonder why their marriage decreases as children are born?  This doesn't necessarily happen to everyone but in many cases it does occur.  Those who are effected negatively often think "Aren't children suppose to make us happier and bring our marriage closer?".  Children certainly can enrich our families lives as well as bring the marriage closer but not without effort of course.

This sad situation may occur because there is a lot of attention on the child, couples may go on less or no dates, sometimes the mother doesn't present opportunities for the father to be a parent, men perceive that after children are born the wife disagrees with the husband more.  There are also the possibilities that men think the wife always knows a lot more than he does about parenting so he stays out of the situations and there also can be less communication and more assumptions being made.

These things can be avoided as long as both husband and wife are aware and understanding of one another.  For example even if a mom does know more about parenting it is essential to have equal and many opportunities to involve the father and make decisions together as a couple.  It is also important to recognize and express love and appreciation to the things each spouse does.  Couples should go on dates and still continue courtship all throughout marriage.  Alone time is essential for the parents marriage.  Don't be afraid to show your affection for each other in front of your kids.  It not only benefits your marriage but it also teaches them why closeness and expression is so important.

Yes a wedding and marriage are defiantly not easy but as long as both man and woman are committed and continue to express love for each other (even through hard times) and they communicate well anything is possible.

Dating

I really enjoyed talking about dating this week in my family relations class.  I was able to apply the things I learned to my own life.

First, one of the things that was brought up by my teacher is that we tend to use the word "dating" in the wrong situations.  When someone says "we're dating" we naturally think they are boyfriend ans girlfriend.  I was surprised to discover that the word dating is defined as doing a variety of activities with a variety of different people not necessarily being in a relationship with someone.  In class we discussed how there are four basic steps in relationships...

1.) Dating

2.) Courtship 

3.) Engagement

4.) Marriage

Each of these four steps take a lot of time and energy and should not be rushed into or skipped over.  Many times, especially in a place such as BYU-Idaho, couples will slide through these steps because of a lack of communication.  Sliding sometimes leads to a successful relationship/marriage but taking time during each phase leads a couple more in the direction of a successful marriage.  Couples who take their time are also more prepared for marriage because they have taken the time to know each other and to see how he or she reacts to certain situations therefore leading to less surprises in marriage.  

Something else I found to be very interesting is called the Relationship. Attachment. Model from the book How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk. This book talks about how there are 5 pillars in every relationship: Knowing someone, Trusting them, Relying on them, Commitment and the Touch.  According to the book a healthy relationship should start with knowing each other and follow in this particular order in a gradual motion.  If someone goes out of the order it could cause one to think that the other categories went up as well.  For example if a couple starts holding hands and kissing right away the individual may think they really know a person when in reality they don't.  They are blinded by the good feelings they are experiencing from physical touch and don't recognize the mistake until he or she gets their heart broken.

Same Sex Attraction

I learned a lot of interesting information this week during the class discussions.  We discussed the topic of same sex attraction.  Let me start by saying that I don't think it is wrong to have these feelings but it is wrong to act on them. I personally believe in the traditional marriage.  I believe everyone is entitled to their own agency and their own opinions and I still love them and wouldn't treat them differently. 

During this past week I have gained so much more of an understanding of those who have same sex attraction.  I didn't realize how much of a struggle and hardship it can be for some people. 

I found this class to be very interesting because I realized that there are more similarities between us than there are differences.  I haven't really thought about this before but my teacher talked about how same sex attraction most of the time is not about sex but more about intimacy, feeling a sense of belonging and being liked by others.  It made me realize that they are seeking the same type of intimacy and belonging as in a traditional relationship.

In the conclusion in class we walk talked about how to help those who are seeking help. We came up with the following things if someone is seeking help...

1.) Understanding them and not judging them for how they feel.

2.) Help them develop appropriate relationships with the same sex.

3.) Stop encouraging this behavior if they are seeking help.  

Culture

In Family Relations class this past week we talked a lot about culture and how they impact our family experiences.
Our cultures makes us who we are.  There are so many different cultures that make up this earth.  If we were to all have one culture I think it would be safe to say that the world would be very dull and boring.  It influences our behavior, our perceptions, and our traditions.
One of the cultures we explored in class on Thursday was the Latin American cultures specifically the Mexican culture.  Something that impresses me was how the people of Mexico are generally very close with not only their immediate family but their extended family as well.  Some may even live in the same house as their extended family.  Their families also spend more time with one another as they have many family parties, dinners and dances.
Cultures are great part of life however there are always going to be challenges no matter what.  One culture is not perfect, each comes with its own sets of pros and cons.  For instance in class we discussed an example of a common challenge that occurs in the Mexican culture.  Many of the people in Mexico have the desire to move to the United States in order to provide a better future for their family.  To come into America it would be about $4,000 for each individual  therefore in many cases a family will send the father first to find work and earn enough money to bring the rest of the family up.  This would be a hard trial through any family and any culture for a variety of reasons.  However if a family can stay strong and endure through their trials they can be brought closer together in the end.

Rubber bands...

This week one of the things I learned about was the rubber band experiment.  In this experiment three people place a single finger in the band creating a triangle.  If anyone of the volunteers moves and stretches away then the other two are closer together.  This experiment brought up an experience that occurs throughout many families.  Sometimes when a dad doesn't show mom attention and their relationship begins to weaken the mom cleaves to the child while the dad is off doing his own things.  I thought this was very interesting because as parents everyone wants to have a strong relationship with their children and sometimes many put out less effort into the marriage.  Sometimes this happens subconsciously or this may happen with the mom or child pulling further away.  While pondering this topic I was reminded that marriage is just as important as a strong family bond.  If the parents relationship is healthy and growing then it will only make things simpler for their family because they can work together as teammates rather than single players trying to keep everything together.  I know when I am both a wife and mother someday I want to do everything I can to continually strengthen both of these relationships.  In conclusion I learned that life is truly a balancing act.